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How I survived the first year of being a single mom

Mother's Day is around the corner and it got me to thinking about how I take for granted what an important job I do each day.  Not my jobs as a writer, photographer, event planner or web designer... I am talking about the under-appreciated but elite status of "Mommy". 

Let's rewind a bit before I get to my main point of this article, which is sharing with you all how I survived the first year of being a single parent...  I want to tell you about what life was like before I was doing this job solo.

I remember my first mother's day like it was yesterday.  It was so exciting to me.  My daughter had JUST turned one (the DAY before actually).  I was excited to see what my dear husband would present me with that morning.  My daughter came toddling into the room (just having learned to walk) and presented me with a card.  My husband was behind her with a big proud smile on his face and a beautifully wrapped gift in his hands.

Here it was.  My moment of appreciation for my first year on the job.  I opened the card and read the Hallmark choice my spouse had picked for me and the tiny scribble at the bottom that my daughter had carefully drawn.  I felt tears burn the back of my eyes at this long awaited moment.  And then confusion muddled my brain as I saw the note from him at the bottom:  "Mama!  Make me some rice!" 

I understand now that in his own way that this was his way of being funny, his answer later was "Hey, you're not MY mom."  However, at the time I was so disappointed when I opened the beautiful gift to find an ordinary old rice steamer.  My first mother's day gift.  A kitchen appliance that I didn't even really need.  Sigh. 

Now years later, I see that first mother's day would be symbolic of the years ahead of me.  A husband that would never really "get" nor "appreciate" me (which is one of the many reasons he is an EX-husband now, ha)... children that wanted nothing more than to see me smile, even if it was just from a scribble at the bottom of a paper... and that the demands of motherhood would always come before personal happiness and freedom, but would often lead to it anyways.

Later that day, I DID make Jenna some rice in our new steamer, and we had fun figuring it out together and eating some rice and chicken as a family.  Despite my disappointment, it ended up being a meaningful and memorable day.

So, in honor of mother's day, I am going to share with you the top 10 things you should focus on when starting out down the path of being a Single Super Mom:

1. Adjust your expectations.
     If you are like me, you will want to maintain the same standard of living you had when you were a two-parent and two-income family.  You will quickly learn that you cannot exist with the same levels of expectations you had when you were a duo... you are now a solo super mom... the house will be messier, your bank account will have a lower balance, you will be more tired, more stressed, find less time for yourself.  Your kids will be naughtier.  You will get less sleep.  You will work harder than you ever have in your life.  You will NOT complete your first year as a single parent as the same person you started it... It WILL change you.  So go into it expecting change and adjustment around every corner and you will be much better off with that reality in your mind.  (recommended site:  www.singlemom.com)
2. Surround yourself with a strong network of friends and family.
    So many women find themselves alienating themselves after a divorce or separation.  This is partly because friends can be the worst casualty of a divorce.  It's hard for friends of couples to pick sides, so often they don't... they just lose touch.  But you will find out who your REAL friends are during this time.  They are the ones that pick up the phone and call for no other reason than to check on you.  They are the ones that offer to babysit so you can have an hour to grocery shop by yourself.  They are the ones that will bring a casserole for the kids and a bottle of wine for you and offer to let you sit and drink the wine while she feeds the kids.  Don't push these friends away, even if your instinct is to hibernate from the world at first.  These are the people that will help you up when you are down.  And you will need supportive friends and family as you journey through single parenting more than you ever have before in your life.  (recommended sites for staying in touch with friends and family: Facebook, Gmail, share photos on-line Photobucket, keep in touch by creating a blog at Blogger or Vox).
3. Carve out time for yourself.
     Even married moms find themselves losing their own identities in the midst of motherhood.  You go to sleep one night a strong independent and creative woman one night and find yourself waking up with no other identity than butt and nose wiper, housekeeper, short order cook and taxi driver.  And once you become a single parent, there is no one to share these duties with, so you find yourself hitting the floor running from the time you wake up, until the time you hit the sack late that night.  Find a good sitter and book her at least once a month for a couple of hours.  The kids will enjoy playing with someone new and you will enjoy having a few hours to yourself, even if it's just to grab a book from the library and find a quiet cafe to read and enjoy a cup of coffee.  If you can't afford a sitter, make good use of those visitation weekends with the ex.  Don't use the entire weekend to catch up on housework and chores... be sure to use some of that time to do something you truly enjoy, something that feeds your soul and your own identity.  (my favorite place to have some downtime - grab a girlfriend and a bottle of wine and paint pottery: Kiln Time)
4. Do your research.
     Whether it's finding affordable housing, a stable job, or the perfect child-care facility, don't just jump on the first thing you find.  The internet is such a GREAT resource of information, but don't discount word of mouth either.  Get referrals and recommendations from friends and family.  Check references.  And then finally you can use that information and combine it with your gut instinct to make the right decisions for your family.  (resources at Parents.com:  Surviving(and Thriving) as a Single Mom, 10 Way to Reduce Single Parent Stress, Single Parents' Secrets of Success)
5. Maintain a routine.
     Most likely you will be splitting one home into two, and that can be a huge adjustment for any child.  The most important thing you can do for all of your sanity is to create a household routine that works for everyone and stick to it.  Assign kids age-appropriate chores and develop a reward chart to encourage them to stick to it.  Get up at the same time everyday (even if you don't feel like it), make plans on the weekends that you can all look forward to, even if it's just going to the park or hitting a local festival, and keep a regular bedtime that starts with a scheduled routine (bedtime snack followed by bath and teeth brushing and wrapped up with a bedtime story and/or bedtime prayers).  This routine will be what your children and even you hold onto when the rest of your lives seem upside down and confusing.  (GREAT and easy to download reward charts: Supernanny Reward System)
6. Do not jump into dating right away.
     I think the most tempting thing for me once I found myself single and with two free weekends a month was to jump into dating.  I was newly skinny (thanks to my diet of stress starvation and lack of sleep) - and felt confident for the first time in many years.  Like most newly single mom's, I wasn't use to spending those free weekends alone, so I grabbed another single girlfriend and hit the bars flirting shamelessly with men much younger than me.  While it was fun and good for my self-esteem, in the long run it just made me feel more alone than before.  Use that time instead to fall in love with yourself again.  Take up a hobby you always wanted to do, but never had the time.  Preferably something that will get you in social situations, but without the pressure of dating.  Take a class or join a gym.  Who knows... you might meet someone anyways, but by then you will have learned to be okay being alone too.  (my favorite family-friendly gym with lots of fun classes and activities: Lifetime Fitness)
7. Treat yourself to something nice.
     I am going to tell you to stick to a budget in my next tip, but FIRST... go treat yourself.  You just got through one of the most difficult times of your life and you are about to spend the next decade or more putting your life on the back burner for your children.  Reward yourself for getting through it intact and having the strength and confidence to go it alone.  Buy yourself a watch, the designer purse you have been drooling over, or treat yourself to a trip or spa day.  (my favorite online shopping: Amazon, Red Envelope, James Avery, Ebay).
8. Create and STICK TO a Budget.
     Okay, despite what I said above, you do have to REALLY watch how you spend your money now.  It's time to look at how much money you have coming in and limit what you have going out.  I cannot say enough about how important this is.  I learned this lesson the HARD way.  (recommended site:  www.mint.com)
9. Stay positive.  You can do this.  If you think you can't - email me for a Weekly Motivator.  When you don't think you can find anything to smile about... fake it... eventually you will find it is genuine.
10. Release yourself of the guilt.  You will be okay.  Your kids will be okay.  Your ex will be okay.  Your friends and family will still love you.  All you can do is your very best.  Don't be a critic of yourself.  Don't have regrets.  Do cheer yourself on EVERYDAY.  Do look forward to the future... because the power to make it great is in YOUR hands.

Stay tuned to my next article - Going from Stay-at-home Mom to Work-away-from-the-home Mom in 5 simple steps without losing your sanity.  Copyright 2009 Miranda Krebbs.  For more information about the author of this article, please email miranda@luckystardesigns.net.

 

 

This is a really nice musical collage of  my favorite girl/love/passion/mush movie ever made.  The whole time watching this movie, my heart is in my chest, feeling the longing that these two people have for each other, as strange as it is...  who wouldn't want to experience this, at least once in their lives?

According to Maxim magazine (yes, I have a subscription - don't hate):

In Ireland they say a pint should be drained in seven swigs, leaving seven foam rings (laces) inside the glass.

In honor of St. Patrick's Day, I decided to put this to the test. Unfortunately, I couldn't record my results until the experiment was completed and at this point, I may be too drunk to adequately convey the results.

Much of this experiment relies upon your definition of "swig" - I interpreted the data in "gulps" vs. "swigs." If taking one swig is filling the mouth and any number of gulps is allowed to finish the drink, then yes, I was able to finish a pint in seven swigs. However, if we are counting the number of actual swallows - or gulps - then my minimum number is 24.

As I said, I'm really too drunk to convey this information. Let's hope the pictures do this experiment justice:

Oh shit! They uploaded in reverse order, but that totally reminded me of what I wanted to say! The experiment was flawed from the beginning...when I got my crappy bottles of Guinness home, I discovered they are only 12 fl. oz., not the requisite 20 oz. that I needed to make a full pint.

Also, my beer didn't even make rings on the glass!

Therefore, I am calling this whole study flawed - I think I probably need to be in the company of real Irishmen, in Ireland, to be able to convey this data in it's purest form and to obtain the guidance I obviously need.

Having said all that - FUN! Yay! Happy St. Patrick's Day everybody! I'm going to continue on now and get lit! WAAAHOOOOO!!!

Oh, before I go, I should give credit to my faithful assistant on this project:

I have been staring at this blank page for about two minutes. Whenever I try to write about this topic, I find I cannot, because it is something very close to me, that effects me very much. I don't really know where to start, so I'm just going to write what comes out off the top of my head.

When we moved into our new place a year ago, I was immediately drawn to the filthy plot of hardened earth on the sidewalk outside our building. It looked like this when we moved in:

Well, actually, it looked much worse than that. The photo at left is after I took out most of the used plastic utensils, old batteries, orange peels, assorted rusty keys, nails, a single razor blade, and a condom wrapper. It took awhile to aerate the dirt and mix in a new layer of top soil. I then bought 500 worms to mix in and planted some flowers. Here is what it looked like after all that:

Unfortunately, those flowers did not prove hardy enough for the foot traffic coming in and out of the parking spot adjacent to the garden. The stone border got kicked to shit and the flowers trampled upon. After a little while of continuing to water & nurture the soil, as well as keeping my worms happy and removing trash daily, I decided it was time to upgrade the garden, which I refer to as "the bum patch" with some hardier succulents and ground cover plants.

 

My husband rented a car for us, and we visited Home Depot to procure my new babies. I briefly considered planting nothing but cactus, but my conscience wouldn't allow me to actually do so. Instead, I purchased aloe, some ground cover with pretty hot pink flowers, and a succulent of some varietal I could not name. Thus, I cultivated bum patch 2.0 and for about a week, it looked almost as though people were going to respect my little plot. There were still daily deposits of trash - lighters, cigarette butts, styrofoam coffee cups, and animal feces - none of which bothered me, as I have grown accustomed to picking these items out of the patch.

The real offense came this past weekend, when some godless fuck went to the trouble of digging out and stealing my fucking aloe plant. Now, I don't know the street value of aloe or if it can assist in the procurement of crack or crystal meth; nor do I know if this vermin simply decided to take my plant because it was there and not chained down...but really - REALLY - is that REALLY what we have come to as a society? That anything not nailed down is free for the taking? That it is okay to destroy someone else's property, just because it's unguarded?

I know that I should not be upset; I knew this could happen, even that it was highly likely to happen. I even gave my plants a little pep talk when I put them in the ground - I told them that they had been selected for a tough job, because they were the best of the best and I knew they could take it...but now I just feel bad. For humanity. For my stupid abducted plant, which for all I know ended up in a dumpster or a crack house. And it's hard for me to talk about this shit, because no one, EVER, should be this sensitive to the world and I hate that I am this vulnerable.

Here's the current state of my garden:

I will do what I can to maintain what is left, but in 75 days we will be gone and it will be totally on it's own. While the plants will likely go unwatered and the trash will undoubtedly pile up, my only hope is that the 500 baby worms I mixed in the soil - which are huge fatty's now by the way - will continue to be nourished from my efforts. I did the best that I could do for them, and for this tiny piece of urban landscape. What happens next is no longer in my hands.

This is a very special installment in the "drops to freedom" series, detailing my journey to become debt-free. Yesterday, I was called into my boss's office and handed a generous bonus that I was not expecting. Needless to say, I cried like a little bitch. It was deposited into my account this morning and although I would love to blow it shopping, I will send it all to my evil student loan provider today. The even better news is that I think this payment will bring me significantly closer to my goal and I may now only have 5 or 6 big drops to make...I'll report back a little later after I have had some coffee and spend a little time with a calculator. In any case, I AM SO STOKED RIGHT NOW!!! The end is nigh, suckahs!

I am so thankful for this gift, it's hard for me to even put it into words...in fact, I have to stop or I'm going to start crying again. Amazing how debt can be such an emotional thing, huh?

UPDATE: The payment I sent today was large enough that I now only have 6 more installments to make, in as many months, to be completely 100% debt-free and finished with my student loans!!! OMG, I need a drink.

Custom made for us by the super mega talented Amy:
To read about her process click here

The Mission:

Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

 

The Criteria:

Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).

 

Why 1001 Days?

Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple goals such as New Year's resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organizing and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.

 

Some common goal setting tips:

1. Be decisive. Know exactly what you want, why you want it, and how you plan to achieve it.

 2. Stay Focused. Any goal requires sustained focus from beginning to end. Constantly evaluate your progress.

 3. Welcome Failure. Frequently, very little is learned from a venture that did not experience failure in some form. Failure presents the opportunity to learn and makes the success more worthy.

 4. Write down your goals. It clarifies your thinking and reinforces your commitment.

 5. Keep your goals in sight. Review them frequently, and ensure that they are always at the forefront of your thinking.

 

 

So, I think most of the things on here will ultimately make me feel like a better person.  I can’t wait to see how I do.  =)  Here's the plan....

 

sometime on my birthday on Mon 5 Dec 11, I'm going to get drunk, pull out my guitar, and sing the song at the bottom of this post.  Just cause it makes me happy and I can. 

 

 

Start  Mon 9 Mar 09

End  Mon 5 Dec 11

 

Upate - May 9 09

 

1.             Finish list of 101 things and post to website, (1/1)

2.             Do RRF at least once a month, (1/33)

3.             Do the incline every kid free Saturday, even if it's cold outside, (0/72)

4.             Take the dogs for a walk, 3 times a week, (0/429)

5.             Eat Clean 6 days a week, (0/858)

6.             Meet Sonya at the gym at 5am, mon through fri, (0/715)

7.             Participate in the pueblo x games, (0/2)

8.             Payoff $30,000 in credit card debt, (1,500/30,000)

9.             Call my mom once a week, (2/143)

10.           Spend time with my girlfriends every other month, (2/17)

11.           Practice meditating 15 minutes per day, (45/15015)

12.           Find a suitable boyfriend who will love me and treat me special, (0/1)

13.           One random & anonymous act of kindness per day, (0/1001)

14.           Have $10,000 in savings, (1,000/10,000)

15.           Buy a Canon Camera (XSI with some good lenses), (0/1)

16.           Get Sophie Spayed, (0/1)

17.           Pray the Rosary once a month., (0/33)

18.           Save $5,000 to take the girls to Disneyland, (0/5,000)

19.           Save $5,000 & spend a month in Panama with the girls, (0/5,000)

20.           Treat myself with love, kindness and respect. Every day., (45/1001)

21.           Get a tattoo that represents all my children, (0/1)

22.           Stop talking about negative thoughts, feelings, ideas., (45/1001)

23.           Stop smoking once and for all, (35/1001)

24.           Listen to 25 TED talks., (5/25)

25.           Buy a different car, newer., (0/1)

26.           Spend a weekend at the Boss Lake cabins., (0/1)

27.           Drink 24 ounces of warm lemon water every morning, (0/1001)

28.           Call my dad once a month, (0/33)

29.           Cook dinner 4 nights per week., (0/572)

30.           Fix my bike., (0/1)

31.           Clean my car every other week., (0/72)

32.           Take the girls camping twice each summer., (0/4)

33.           Help Kyle buy a car., (0/1)

34.           Stop playing freecell and other card games at work., (25/1001)

35.           Have a garage sale and get rid of "fluff", (0/1)

36.           Climb 6 "14ers" starting with Pikes Peak, (0/6)

37.           Paint the living room, (0/1)

38.           Laugh at least once a day., (45/1001)

39.           Read all the books I've bought because I really wanted to read them., (0/9)

40.           Do 10 complete, good form pull-ups… at one time, (0/1)

41.           Stop wanting things I can't have.  i.e. the cop, work crush, longer legs, eternal youth., (0/1001)

42.           Take the girls up the incline, (0/1)

43.           Take Sophie up the incline, (0/1)

44.           Stop telling people "I'm fat… look at my arms".  It's just not true., (60/1001)

45.           Start taking a multivitamin every morning., (0/1001)

46.           Hang up my pictures, plaques, etc in my office and make it feel comfy and inviting., (8/25) *25 might be a bit much

47.           Buy a new vacuum cleaner, (0/1)

48.           offer to help my mom with her homework., (0/1)

49.           Stain the deck, (0/1)

50.           Fix the garage door, (0/1)

51.           Buy a new handle for the storm door, (0/1)

52.           Buy a screen door for the glass door in back, (0/1)

53.           Scrub the dried egg from Kyle's window, (0/1)

54.           Fix the shattered doors to my room and Kyle's, (0/1)

55.           Fix the holes in the walls in Kyle's room., (0/1)

56.           Be the best Project Accountant I can be, and be happy about it., (62/1001)

57.           Try to figure out what kind of job would really make me happy and make plans to get that job., (0/1)

58.           Go see "Big Head Todd and the Monsters" at Red Rocks, (1/1) *Saturday, June 6th, 2009  Yay!!!!

59.           Take guitar lessons, (0/1)

60.           Sing Karaoke drunk., (0/1)

61.           Go dancing with my mom every time she asks me too.  This could start happening more often the more I say "yes I'll go" so I'm just going to say 10 times., (0/10)

62.           Call someone to haul all the crap out of my backyard., (0/1)

63.           Be more attentive to my VOX neighborhood and comment on posts., (25/25) * think I might have done this 25 times already... geez, I really set the bar pretty low on this one.  I'll do it 25 more times (0/25)

64.           Get a tattoo that is just for fun, cause it makes me happy, (0/1)

65.           Call Richard every Friday to see if he put any money in the bank, (7/143)

66.           Pay Roger the money I owe him., (250/250)

67.           Stick to my budget, monthly, (1/33)

68.           Let it be OK to be alone.  It doesn't mean I suck as a person., (2/1001)

69.           Follow through on your commitments starting with this fn list.  Take it seriously., (0/101)

70.           Don't cuss around the kids., (60/1001)

71.           Only smoke pot on kid free weekends. (uhm.. Duh. right?), (4/72)

72.           Read the book of Psalms, (0/150)

73.           Take the girls to Sunday School when I have them., (0/72)

74.           Buy a Monokini and wear it in Florida, on the beach, with out being embarrassed., (0/1)

75.           Stop caring about what other people think of me.  It shouldn't have an impact on who I am., (0/1001)

76.           cut and style my hair differently, (1/1)

77.           save enough money to do a "spa day", (0/328)

78.           Hike seven bridges on a snowy day., (0/1)

79.           make a snowman with the girls, (0/1)

80.           stop smoking pot and act like an adult, (0/1)

81.           stop trying to figure out what an adult is supposed to act like, (0/1)

82.           stop texting the cop, (2/1001)

83.           Learn how to begin to have a humble heart., (0/1)

84.           pick up the phone and call someone you care about once a week, (2/143)

85.           Experience something new once a month, (0/33)

86.           Go to a buddist temple, (0/1)

87.           Find my spirit guide during an indian guided peyote trip in the middle of the desert in a teepee.  This one will be kind of hard., (0/1)

88.           Finish my taxes., (1/1)

89.           Stop confusing sex with love., (0/1)

90.           Send christmas presents to Ken and his family., (0/2)

91.           Send out christmas cards to everyone who sends you one, and even to those who aren't expecting one from you., (0/2)

92.           Practice smiling when your alone in the car, even when you don't feel like it., (59/1001)

93.           Stop taking everything so damned personally, it really isn't about me ALL the time., (40/1001)

94.           Plan something special for Sarafina's b-day., (0/2)

95.           Read the Gnostic bible, (0/1)

96.           Read the Gospel of Mary, (0/1)

97.           Turn the tv off when your not watching it., (40/1001)

98.           Install a water feature in the back yard., (0/1)

99.           Plant a vegitable garden., (0/1)

100.         Plant a flower garden., (0/1)

101.         Paint a picture., (0/1)

 

 

 

 

 

A few posts back I revisited my life's list of things I want to do before I die and recounted the many things my husband has helped me accomplish on that list. There has been a disturbing trend in the things I/we have accomplished as of late, in that the things I want to do appear to be cursed. Firstly, I had been trying to see The Roots in concert for years...and then when we went to see them, the show super sucked and we almost died on the highway on the way home - and I mean, very seriously almost died in a close call that both Steve & I recognize as the closest to death either of us has ever been. Second, we camped at Pololu Valley on the Big Island, on a night with 40-60 mph winds and driving rain, with flash flood and rock slide warnings posted everywhere. Thirdly, I visited City Lights bookstore last night to procure anything by Angela Davis, and discovered that I don't really care for her work, at least not any of the titles they had in stock...

So, I have now started to read Walden and am hoping this will not disappoint, I'm fairly certain it won't....but WTF is going on? Do you think I should start a new list? Is my old one cursed? Or do you think forcing these events is somehow creating an unreasonable expectation of a positive outcome and I should just let these things happen naturally? I suppose my only concern there is that I won't actually accomplish anything, if I don't have a clear picture in my mind of what I really want to do...but any thoughts on this topic would be much appreciated.

The photo is from our visit to Egypt, the only thing we have done from the list that worked out perfectly.